We Won't Go Down
by Iced Raspberry
Summary: Rating for the bit of depressingness. New to HP fanfiction here, but not new to writing. This is a songfic to the song "This Time Around"; 'tis about Remus and Sirius reflecting on their past lives (it is *not* slash) and it takes place roughly between


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Whoo, my very first Harry Potter fanfic!! Tis a songfic of Remus and Sirus's reflections on their past lives. NOT SLASH, so don't worry. And I love Lupin to pieces so...yeah. Enjoy!!And don't forget to review!!  
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It had been such a long, long time...so long, in fact, that he was certain his memories would not resurface. And yet...  
  
A flashback...a haunting one. Of the wonderful school that he so longed to see again, of a student there he should have made better friends with...he had failed his old friend. And now, all he had were strands of memories, and not even the son of his friend to share them with.  
  
And the memories hurt. As though he had been plunged into an icy lake of ghostly memories, as though he were all alone...and yet, he realized so suddenly, that he was.  
  
----  
It's getting colder  
In this ditch where I lie  
----  
  
No one would trust him. And the very few who had trusted him were either too far away to matter...or deceased, never to return.  
  
He stood, ambling silently to the lake, and looked up at the sky. One night ago...he wished he had never gone so far from home. And he wished the taste of blood in his mouth would leave...the recurring thought of that little rabbit's last moments...  
  
Shaking his head sadly, he looked down at the glassy surface of the lake. His grey hairs, made ever greyer by his transformations and his personal stress, shone amongst the brown. His eyes looked back at him, tired, their focus wavering. He blinked back the tears that threatened his eyes, and sighed heavily.  
  
----  
I'm feeling older  
And I'm wondering why  
----  
  
His mind again flashed back, to the swarm of thoughts that had crowded it ever since teaching young Harry at Hogwarts.  
  
'He looks just like his father.'  
  
He had to agree there, he had been the best of friends with Harry's father and needed no second reminder of their resemblence.  
  
"Why..." he voiced, whispering with the sped aging of stress and heartache, "did James...why did he have to die?"  
  
As though in reply, as though telling him there was nothing crying could do, the lake rippled mystically. But cry he did, for the first real, true time in over a decade. He cried for James, for the sake of Harry, for Lily.  
  
'He has his mother's beautiful eyes!'  
  
He wanted to agree, but couldn't; he had never met Lily. James often told him of how wonderful she was, and though he knew he had gone to school with her, for the life of him he could not place who she was.  
  
He mentally chided himself, as he sat there on the bank of the lake, for wishing he had someone like Lily...right there, right then, to keep him from crying. But he shook the thought from his head, forcing himself to think instead of others, of Lily and James, of their extreme sacrifice...No, no, it was too depressing! But it was as though there was nothing else to think on, nothing else to occupy his tortured mind. Nothing, save a mother's cries, a father's scream, and the wonder at how two souls could care so much.  
  
----  
I heard they told her  
It was tell and live or die  
I didn't know her, but I know why she lied  
I didn't know her, but I know why she died  
----  
  
Of course, he kept telling himself, he hadn't really neglected to befriend young Harry. No, and he would do all he could to protect him from afar, to honor the memory of James.  
  
Ah, that word again. Memory. Something that really plagued him now more than ever. Memories could drive you to insanity, if you let them. And really, he had no reason not to.  
  
Wait...he did have a reason. Harry. Honor. Honor to James...honor to Prongs. And no one could ever tell him he hadn't given it all he could to watch out for Harry!  
  
In fact, he vowed to the silent lake then and there that if James's son ever had need of his service...he would be there, full moon or no, no matter what. He would help, he would show his respect.  
  
----  
You can't say  
I didn't give it  
I won't wait another minute  
We're on our way  
This time around  
And we won't go down  
----  
  
****  
  
Very far away, looking out the window of an abandoned cottage near the sea, was another man. Another man, who was also reliving a slough of bad memories.  
  
He, however, had a different view on life. After being so close, so very close, to having that life worse than taken away, he valued freedom moreso than any other thing in the universe.  
  
Shuddering at the thought of those long years in that horrible place, he closed his eyes. This action, however, only made matters worse, as horrid scenes of Dementors flocked to his mind's eye. Making people go crazy, taking their happiness from them, leaving them as nothing, not letting anything pleasant surface in their minds...  
  
His eyes flew open again, careful not to dwell too long on such things.  
  
----  
I heard them say that  
Dreams should stay in your head  
----  
  
"My goodness," he murmured, reflecting back at the previous year's happenings. He had met the son of his amazing friend, James...and then been on the run, far from the wonderment that was Hogwarts. He smiled bitterly, wishing he had more time to spend with Harry. He reminded him so of James...  
  
He looked again out to the sea from the cottage window, and had to focus to see through the torrents of rain that had starting pouring, just in the last few moments. There were things, things he had shouted to the Dementors, things he had told Harry, so many things that he never should have let come out of his mouth.  
  
----  
I feel ashamed of  
The things that I've said  
----  
  
He had even said things about James...oh, why about James? James had never done anything to hurt him; in fact, James was the craziest, loopiest, most hilarious person he had ever known! Why had he talked so about his old friend?  
  
Feeling for all the world like he had just been thrown into prison again, he leand against the rickety wall and sunk slowly to the floor. No...he couldn't think about James without tears stinging his bloodshot eyes. And Lily, beautiful Lily! Her beauty lost on the eyes of evil.  
  
His thin frame shook with the work of holding back tears, and he looked bleakly at the cottage he hid in. He couldn't help but think again of that awful place, wondering how he had managed to get away, how he kept his sanity about him. Some of the prisoners had tried to tell him that it was good to be there, and he now chalked that up to their own insanity.   
  
The most glorius moment of his life had been getting out of that place...it was almost like he had been completely dead, only to be made whole and alive again. Then he met James's son...such amazement he had never felt.  
  
----  
Put on these chains and   
You can live a free life  
I'd rather bleed just to know why I died  
----  
  
There had been another friend, a friend he would not soon forget...And the only person who, at first, had believed him to be innocent. He knew James would have stood by him, had he been there. Had he been alive...And it was all he could stand to see Harry, standing there, looking just like James.  
  
All save his eyes, which reminded Sirius of the lovely Lily the very instant he had seen. So many things that made him totally abandon his hopeless thought and feelings, and take up the determined role of godfather to Harry.  
  
"I'll be there if ever he needs me," he said hoarsely. "All he has to do is let me know..."  
  
It was the least he could do, as though he had to repay James and Lily for their kindness. He could repay them, he thought. He would guard their son.  
  
----  
You can't say  
I didn't give it  
I won't wait another minute  
We're on our way  
This time around  
And we won't go down  
----  
  
****  
  
Without knowing of each other's vows, both men, in entirely different places, suddenly gained very determined expressions. They knew that if need ever arose, they'd do all they could, even give their lives to save Harry if they had to. Because each felt that they could have done more for Lily and James, they should have been braver and thus saved those two wonderful people.  
  
----  
All I know is that fear has got to go  
This time around  
----  
  
****  
  
Sirius's determination kept going and coming in waves, sometimes being drowned out by depression and anxiety at having to be constantly on the run. More than once he had considered giving himself up and going back to Azkaban but...chilling flashbacks to sightless and loveless Dementors forced those thoughts to the back of his mind.  
  
Still, he needed some reassurance, something to help him know that young Harry needed him. He needed to know that he was needed. He snorted slightly at the absurdity of this thought, and shut his eyes again, letting the scenes play out in his head.  
  
----  
I've started feeling  
Like I don't want to fight  
I give in to the given  
And put out the light  
----  
  
****  
  
Remus was another story. He knew the wizarding world was in an uproar again after his and Sirius's fleeing from Hogwarts the previous school year, and he also knew that with the traitor Wormtail on the loose, it was only a matter of time until the Dark Lord regained his power.  
  
And it was as though all the wizards in the world were on their toes, just ready for something terrible to happen. Which was yet another reason he could not be trusted; he didn't want anyone to trust him. Because he could be something terrible.  
  
But he would not be something terrible to James's son. No, he would be a guardian of sorts. Watching from afar, to be sure Harry would be safe. Because he had to honor the memory...the memory...of his friend.  
  
----  
Cannons are blazing  
Shower these moonlit skies  
Then I remember, and I know why he died  
Do you know why I'd die?  
----  
  
****  
  
Two guardians, on either side of the world, wishing to honor a lost friend and his wife. And a boy they guarded, sleeping silently, dreaming of the two, and his parents, and a traitor...dreaming of a long lost group of friends; unknowing that each in their own respective way watched over him.  
  
----  
You can't say  
I didn't give it  
I won't wait another minute  
We're on our way  
This time around  
And we won't go down  
---- 


End file.
